Dearest Blog, thanks to yesterday's holiday that wasn't really, I got
out to the cinema a day early this weekend. On the docket: Terminator
Genisys and Magic Mike XXL.
Spoiler level here will be mild for
Terminator, nothing you haven't seen in the trailers, and just slightly
higher for Magic Mike, because there are a couple specifics I want to
discuss (but nothing that should ruin it for anyone).
First on my agenda was Terminator Genisys.
Future
John Connor sends Future Kyle Reese back in time to save Past Sarah
Conner from a Terminator that has been dispatched to...erm...terminate
'er.
In case it's been awhile since anyone revisited the
originals, Terminator Genisys helpfully kicks off with a little tutorial
to bring everyone up to speed. I recall little more than "I'll be
back!," but it still felt like a waste of time, and most of what they
explained became evident over the course of the movie anyway. From that
inauspicious beginning, Terminator Genisys actually turns into a pretty
decent movie. The action is terrific, and, even though some of the
sequences go on a bit, I never got tired of it.
Nothing convinced me 3D
would be anything other than a waste of good money, but the effects are
pretty sweet nonetheless, and an epic score compliments the huge action
perfectly. Conveniently, time travel in this universe of hardbodies
requires the traveler to be completely naked, and strategic placement of
objects to cover the naughty bits for the movie's PG13 audience is
hilarious.
Other than Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is Arnold
Schwarzenegger and doesn't really need to be anything else, the cast is
kind of ho-hum. Emilia Clarke and Jai Courtney have about as much
chemistry as a mismatched pair of socks, but luckily, nobody is
distractingly bad.
Terminator Genisys runs 126 minutes and is
rated PG13 for "intense sequences of sci-fi violence and gunplay
throughout, partial nudity, and brief strong language."
It might
be a worthy successor to the original Terminator movies...or it might
not...I don't remember.
Either way, it was much better than I expected.
Of a possible nine Weasleys, Terminator Genisys gets six.
Next up was another sequel, Magic Mike XXL.
"Magic Mike" and his merry men hit the road for one last hurrah at a stripper convention.
Dear
reader(s), I'ma be straight with you: Magic Mike XXL might be the worst
movie I've ever seen, and I've seen that benchmark of cinematic
terribleness, The Room. That's not to say I didn't enjoy some of it, and
that's not to say some of it isn't laugh-out-loud funny (sometimes even
on purpose), but it is a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad movie.
If
you weren't expecting anything more than two hours of good-looking guys
taking off their clothes, the first Magic Mike was a pleasant surprise
(or maybe a disappointment, if two hours of good-looking guys taking off
their clothes was all you wanted). It took a shot at telling a story
and made a fair job of it. Magic Mike XXL maybe should have stuck with
two hours of good-looking guys taking off their clothes, because,
whatever else it hoped to be, it fails in spectacular fashion.
Let's
start with a few pluses, shall we?
It goes without saying there are
some fine-looking folks in various stages of undress in MMXXL. Whatever
your taste, you'll likely see a lot of someone who appeals to you.
What's funny is pretty darn funny, and some of what isn't meant to be
funny is pretty darn funny, too. If you're wondering whether the movie's
worth the price of admission despite all its flaws, let me just say
it's hit upon the best and noblest use of Nine Inch Nails' "Closer"
ever. The acting is terrible, but, in fairness to the actors,
effectively delivering the most awful dialogue ever written is probably
impossible.
The usually reliable Matt Bomer couldn't be less believable
in his hippie routine, and whenever he said "chakra" I wanted to punch
his perfect face. (Sorry, Matt. I still love you.) Channing Tatum is
vacant and uninspiring when delivering what should be the movie's key
emotional punches. Joe Manganiello, one of the worst actors I've ever
seen, weirdly delivers the movie's best performance, hamming it up as
the only one who apparently understood that ridiculous was the only way
to go here. The lovely and talented Amber Heard is also solid (but
wasted) in the cliche role of a free spirit who has "lost her smile." If
you've come for the dancing (clothed or unclothed) don't expect too
much. I love dance movies, even terrible ones, so I was disappointed by
how few routines made the final cut. There are some inexcusably stupid
scenarios, too. I'm supposed to buy that a roomful of horny women waving
dollar bills will be okay with a stripper-cum-singer performing a
little number before dropping trou?
Shut up and peel, you!
Or that
stripper will happily spend a night off entertaining a roomful of
undersexed old hags in exchange for a twin-bed and make-your-own
breakfast? Next time I run into my dentist at Target, I'm gonna ask him
to take a look at this tooth that's been bothering me. I assume he won't
mind if I tell him I'll pay for whatever he just picked up in
housewares.
Worst of all, Magic Mike XXL is founded on the premise that
these noble gentlemen do what they do to boost the self-esteem of poor,
pathetic females who just aren't getting what they need at home. I have
no problem with adults engaging in adult pursuits (including humping up
on pretty, naked people), but that idea is a half-step shy of 50 Shades
on the "Hooray for Dysfunction" scale, and I found it flat-out gross.
Magic
Mike XXL clocks in at 115 minutes and is rated R for "strong sexual
content, pervasive language, some nudity, and drug use."
It has
its moments, but falls shy of the original, and I was bored for much of
it. Of a possible nine Weasleys, Magic Mike XXL gets three.
Until next time...happy birthday, USA!