Dearest Blog, yesterday it was off to the pictures for a pair of
too-late-for-awards-season/too-early-for-summer-blockbuster-season
throwaways, 3 Days to Kill and Pompeii.
Spoiler level here will be mild, nothing you wouldn't know from the trailers.
First on my agenda was Kevin Costner's unlikely action thriller 3 Days to Kill.
A
terminally ill CIA agent is persuaded to take one final job in exchange
for an experimental treatment that could extend his life.
Oh,
dear Blog, where do I even start? I guess I should start by saying the
fact that this is a terrible movie in no way diminished my enjoyment of
it; on the contrary, I quite liked it. BUT...........
Beginning at
the beginning, nobody is buying Amber Heard in her role as a top CIA
agent. She has neither the years nor the bearing to pull it off. It's
not a poor performance, by any means, she's just entirely unsuitable for
the part. Having said that, ain't nobody complainin' about looking at
Amber Heard for two hours, either!
Kevin Costner is just...Kevin
Costner. What else can I say? I like the guy, I do, but he's about as
emotive as Joan Rivers' terminally botoxed face. He gets away with it
here, as he always does, by being just that likable. I'm sitting there
thinking, "God, that was bad.......but, you know what, I actually don't
mind." And there's Kevin Costner for ya.
The movie itself provides
so much backstory on Costner's character that it's really more like two
movies. I want some depth, some rationale for the characters'
situations and choices, but TWO hokey subplots that never really tie
into the actual story? It's a bit much. The humor is lowbrow and
predictable--but I laughed anyway--and the songs the director (McG)
plops here and there are poor choices, terribly timed, or both. Maybe
I'm just spoiled because nobody's as good at that as Edgar Wright, but I
can't be the only one who was creeped out by an old dude like Costner
slow-dancing with his teenage onscreen daughter to Bread's Make it With
You...even if it is supposed to be her mother's favorite song. The
action is solid, though, the characters mostly sympathetic, and there's a
small, decent twist that I did not see coming for one minute.
3 Days to Kill runs 113 minutes and is rated PG13 for "intense sequences of violence and action, some sensuality, and language."
3 Days to Kill provides a couple hours of forgettable fun. Even during awards season, that's not a crime.
Of a possible nine Weasleys, 3 Days to Kill gets five.
Rounding out yesterday's double-header was Paul W.S. Anderson's latest bit of eye candy, Pompeii.
Do
we really need a synopsis for this one? Volcano goes "boom," and even
Kit Harington's spectacular abs can't save the day for the doomed city
of Pompeii.
In addition to the volcano, this version of Pompeii
offers its own forbidden love story, in the form of Harington's
slave/gladiator, who falls for a princess (Emily Browning), unwillingly
betrothed to a Roman senator (Kiefer Sutherland). Though he enjoys top
billing, Harington has the fewest lines of any of the main cast, and is
mostly called on to stand around looking fit while casting longing looks
at the princess or withering looks at the Senator and his thugs.
Sutherland spends 90 minutes falling in and out of the same half-assed
English accent he used in 1993's The Three Musketeers, and,
surprisingly, is the worst thing about a movie that's pretty
resoundingly terrible. What little challenge this script provides isn't
beyond most of the cast, but nobody does anything in particular to
elevate it, either. In the most backhanded of backhanded compliments, I
suppose Sasha Roiz and Jared Harris made me cringe the least.
Pompeii's
effects strictly adhere to the "go big or go home" credo, with plenty
of flying fireballs and crumbling buildings. Sadly, the costumes and set
pieces look like something out of a high-school production of Jesus
Christ Superstar, and I was not impressed with the overall look of the
movie. Having said that, I'm a woman of simple tastes, and if you give
me a couple hours of big explosions, hot, shirtless dudes in tiny
skirts, and a few glorious 3D shots of one lady-in-waiting's bodacious
bosom, well, I'm probably not going to complain too much.
Pompeii
clocks in at a quick 98 minutes and is rated PG13 for "intense battle
sequences, disaster-related action, and brief sexual content."
As
with 3 Days to Kill, the fact that Pompeii isn't a very good movie
didn't stop me having a good time with it, so I'll say for the final
time this season: if you're looking for a break from all the
uber-serious awards bait, Pompeii just might be the movie for you.
Of a possible nine Weasleys, Pompeii also gets five.
Until next time...
Wait...what was I saying??
