MOVIE REVIEW: UNDERWORLD: BLOOD WARS

Death dealer Selene (Kate Beckinsale) must fend off brutal attacks from both the Lycan clan and the vampire faction that betrayed her. Joining forces with allies David (Theo James) and Thomas (Peter Andersson), she embarks on a quest to end the eternal war between the two races, even if it means making the ultimate sacrifice.

Director: Anna Foerster

Cast: Kate Beckinsale, Theo James, Charles Dance, Tobias Menzies

Release Date: Jan 06, 2017

Rated R f or strong bloody violence, and some sexuality

Runtime: 1 hr. 31 min.

Genres: Action/Adventure, Horror

Review:

Underworld: Blood Wars is exactly what you would expect from this 5^th entry into the on going franchise.  Kate Beckinsale slips back into her latex bodysuit with relative ease but the film’s biggest failing is taking her off screen for large chunks of time to deal with an unnecessarily convoluted plot.  While Game of Throne alums, Charles Dance and Tobias Menzies, are welcome additions to the series, Beckinsale is the reason people turn out to these films.  Anna Foerster delivers the same stylish wire work action people have come to expect and I appreciate that she’s trying to deliver a meatier plot.  Unfortunately, she loses sight of the fact that this series has always been a solid B movie franchise with a singular star.  Losing focus on Beckinsale’s Selene is a major misstep and severely limits how enjoyable this film is.

C

Cindy Prascik's Reviews of Hidden Figures & Underworld: Blood Wars

Dearest Blog: Yesterday it was off to Marquee Cinemas for a pair of unlikely bedfellows: Hidden Figures and Underworld: Blood Wars.

 

Spoiler level here will be mild, nothing you wouldn't know from the trailers.

 

First up: Hidden Figures.

 

A trio of female, African-American mathematicians helps put America's first man in orbit.

Things you've probably guessed about Hidden Figures: It boasts excellent performances from Taraji P. Henson, Octavia Spencer, and a noteworthy supporting cast, and tells a compelling story about some unsung heroes of the early space race. Something you might not have guessed: Hidden Figures is actually a lot of fun, like, legitimate, ear-to-ear smiling fun. That's not to say the movie is without its disturbing and serious moments--the early sixties weren't a super-easy time for women or people of color in these United States--but overall I am shocked by how entertaining this picture is. Hidden Figures goes light on the math-ey details (thank goodness) and instead presents a lively tale of three determined ladies who changed the face of the nation for the better and forever. Cut with snippets of historical footage, the movie provides a timely and important message about the harmfulness of prejudice, the value of everyone's contributions, and, yes, even the importance of the right bathroom facilities.

 

Hidden Figures runs 127 minutes and is rated PG13 for "thematic elements and some language."

 

Hidden Figures sheds welcome light on a little-known bit of American history in uplifting fashion, kicking off 2017 in fine form. Of a possible nine Weasleys, Hidden Figures gets seven and a half.

 

Fangirl Points: Taraji (one of my best girl-crushes), and Aldis Hodge!

 

Next on the docket: Underworld: Blood Wars.

 

Betrayed by her own kind, a world-weary Selene is drawn back into the Vampire/Lycan war.

 

The most recent Underworld installment has a cheap television feel to it, right down to the "previously on..." segment that kicks it off. The story is unimaginative, with dialogue straight out of a 14-year-old's AO3 fanfic, BUT...you officially may file this movie under "so awful it's almost great." The rehash of previous installments is a waste of time--you wouldn't have trouble following this empty-headed nonsense even if you'd never seen an Underworld movie before--and the picture suffers a few dull spells where the lovely Kate Beckinsale is nowhere to be found. Theo James does the best he can with his silly, underwritten role, and Bradley James is a brooding highlight who appears poised to carry the franchise forward, should anyone feel that's really necessary. Blood Wars has a properly gloomy look and feel, with a melodramatic score and a good deal of stylized, slow-mo action, but it's always a bit disappointing when flippin' vampires and flippin' werewolves end up taking each other out with plain old handguns. Highlight/lowlight of Blood Wars: A Vampire Elder, in all his gravitas, sends off one of his warriors with a smirk and a smack on the ass, just like your garden-variety first-base coach.

 

Underworld: Blood Wars clocks in at 91 minutes and is rated R for "strong, bloody violence and some sexuality."

 

Blood Wars is dopey fun, as unnecessary a sequel as ever there was. Of a possible nine Weasleys, Underworld: Blood Wars gets five.

 

Fangirl Points: Theo James, ever since he had deadly relations with Lady Mary Crawley!

 

Until next time... 

 

 

Cindy Prascik's Reviews of The Bronze & Allegiant

 

 

 

Dearest Blog: Yesterday it was off to Marquee Cinemas for another ho-hum late-winter double-bill. On the docket: gymnastics comedy The Bronze, and the third installment in the Divergent series, Allegiant. Spoiler level here will be mild, nothing you won't have learnt already from trailers and the usual Internet scuttlebutt. 

 

First up: The Bronze. A former Olympic sweetheart is coerced into coaching another hopeful from her small Ohio town. Dear Reader(s), many of you are well aware that being a Sebastian Stan fan is a hard row to hoe. My first encounter with Stan was his stellar turn in the brilliant-but-short-lived TV series Kings. 

 

Unfortunately, outside a lucky spot at Captain America's side, his projects surrounding that one bright, shining moment have been complete crap, and I can declare with authority that The Bronze ranks among the worst. And when a guy's resume includes The Covenant...well...that's really saying something! 

 

The Bronze is a mean, crass little comedy, and its occasional shots at sincere moments are unfailingly trite. Melissa Rauch is foul and unsympathetic in the lead, fronting a crew of just-slightly-less-despicable supporting characters, including Gary Cole as her long-suffering father and Stan as a rival coach; only Thomas Middletech's Ben is half-likable. The movie follows the same predictable path as a thousand bitter redemption stories before it, sans that bit where a viewer might actually be rooting for a character...ANY character. 

 

The much-ballyhooed acrobatic sex scene between Rauch and Stan (she used a stunt double; he did not) is so deeply unfunny that I was embarrassed for everyone involved. Pretty much the only genuine thing about this dud is the cute little town of Amherst, Ohio, which portrays itself in the movie and undoubtedly deserves better. The Bronze runs 108 excruciating minutes and is rated R for "strong sexual content, graphic nudity, language throughout, and some drug use." Avoid this at all costs. I mean it. 

 

Of a possible nine Weasleys, The Bronze gets one, for the single time I laughed over the course of its painful duration. 

 

Next on my agenda: Allegiant. Tris and Four find out what's on the other side of the wall. Dear Reader(s), there's no sugar-coating it: Sitting through Allegiant is like watching paint dry, and that might be slightly underselling the entertainment value of watching paint dry. Though stakes are high for our heroes, the movie has zero tension, and there's even less chemistry between Shailene Woodly and Theo James. Allegiant's special effects are about as shabby as an old episode of Doctor Who. 

 

The dialogue is painful, and the characters are one-dimensional and uninteresting. There are a few cheap laughs courtesy of Peter (Miles Teller), and a two-hour eyeful of James is never a bad thing, but Allegiant otherwise has little to recommend it. Allegiant clocks in at 121 minutes and is rated PG13 for "intense violence and action, thematic elements, and some partial nudity." It is, perhaps, the natural bane of the first half of a story split in two that it advances the plot without much excitement, but unless you're utterly invested in the whole of the Divergent series, Allegiant is hardly worth your time. 

 

Of a possible nine Weasleys, Allegiant gets three. 

 

Until next time...

Cindy Prascik's Reviews of The Gunman and Insurgent

Dearest Blog, yesterday it was off to the pictures for The Gunman and Insurgent, a pair of action-packed movies sure to get the blood moving. Or not.

Spoiler level here will be mild, nothing you wouldn't know from the trailers.

First up: Sean Penn in The Gunman.

A former assassin's misdeeds come back to haunt him.

Dear reader(s), if we're being honest, my first reaction when The Gunman's credits started rolling was, "What the hell did I just watch??" Not that it was a bad movie, or even a terribly strange movie, it just wasn't what I expected from the trailer. I went back and re-watched the trailer and, in hindsight, I'm not sure why I didn't get it. Luckily, it's a pretty good movie anyway.

Pluses: Sean Penn is on point in the lead. For me, he's one of those guys (like Tom Cruise) who, when I hear his name I think, "I don't really care for that actor." Then I watch him in something and say to myself, "Self, what were you thinking? That guy is awesome!" Though he's crippled on occasion by awkward dialogue, Penn is solid here, which is a good thing, because it's mostly on him to carry this one. Idris Elba and Ray Winstone are very good with limited screen time, and the movie is noticeably better when they're around. The story is interesting, with plenty of action, and there's an angry sex scene that, while not especially long or graphic, is pretty hot. Finally, at just under two hours, the movie is smart enough not to wear out its welcome.

Minuses: Javier Bardem is a total clown...thinking his mugging may even upstage Captain Jack Sparrow in that new Pirates movie. As for the female lead, Jasmine Trinca, both the actress and the role are entirely forgettable; you could have plopped pretty much any woman of an appropriate age in that slot and she'd have been no better, no worse, and no more important to the movie. A bunch of obvious soap-opera glances in the opening scenes reveal the baddie long before you should have any idea; in fact, the whole thing, while entertaining, is extremely predictable. Finally, Idris Elba appears twice in a two-minute trailer and exactly the same number of times in a two-hour movie. I LOVE Elba, and was really hoping to see more of him.

Distractions: Penn's newfound buff-ness and Trinca's funky front teeth.

The Gunman runs 115 minutes and is rated R for "strong violence, language, and some sexuality."
As is kinda the norm for this time of year, it's a passably entertaining, but ultimately forgettable, afternoon at the cinema.

Of a possible nine Weasleys, The Gunman gets five and a half.

Up next was the second installment in the Divergent series, Insurgent.

Tris and Four continue fighting the good fight against Jeanine and the faction system.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, literally every single review I saw of Divergent, the first film in this series, contained some version of the sentiment, "Well, that was way better than I expected!" It is, perhaps, for that reason that Insurgent is something of a disappointment.

Though it runs about 20 minutes shorter than its predecessor, Insurgent seems slow and long. I was pretty bored with it for major chunks of time. The action is decent, but repetitive, and much of the dialogue just seems silly.

Shailene Woodley remains (for me) nothing more than a poor man's Jennifer Lawrence...now with new dopey haircut!! I still have a crush on Theo James (curse you, lady Mary, for your deadly bed!!), and I shallowly found the movie far more interesting whenever he was onscreen. Aside from Kate Winslet, who is always reliable, this series has one of the more boring supporting casts I've ever seen, with a bunch of interchangeable actors who could be swapped out with barely a ripple.

Even having said all that, my chief annoyances were a weirdly made-up and bejeweled Naomi Watts (is that really how you picture the leader of your revolution??) and the awkward giggles drawn from my teenage audience by the non-starter love scene and a single almost f-word. (Hardly the movie's fault, but it still set my teeth on edge.)

Insurgent clocks in at 119 minutes and is rated PG13 for "intense violence and action throughout, some sensuality, thematic elements, and brief language."

Sadly, the middle frame of the Divergent series is exactly what I expect of most Y.A. adaptations. Here's hoping next year's finale is more like part one.

Of a possible nine Weasleys, Insurgent gets five.

Until next time...

 

Note to filmmakers: More Idris Elba is always better than less Idris Elba.

Cindy Prascik's Reviews of Muppets Most Wanted & Divergent

Dearest Blog, having force-fed myself a Serious Grownup Movie last weekend, this week it was back to my usual fare with Muppets Most Wanted and Divergent.

Spoiler level here will be mild, nothing you wouldn't know or have guessed from the trailers.
Since my tolerance for little kids is marginally lower than my tolerance for teenagers, I got Muppets Most Wanted out of the way first.

Fresh off their reunion show and against Kermit's better judgment, a new manager (Ricky Gervais) convinces the Muppets to go on a world tour, but a sold-out European run and a unusually agreeable Kermit may not be the good news they seem.

Dear reader(s), though I try not to read anyone else's reviews before I've written mine, living online as I do, I can't help but see the occasional headline or comment. The general consensus on Muppets Most Wanted seems to be that it's good, but not as good as 2011's The Muppets. Guess I'm once again in the minority, for as much as I loved The Muppets, I think Muppets Most Wanted is even better.
Muppets Most Wanted picks up, literally, where The Muppets left off, lingering just long enough to earn a few laughs with some obvious-but-still-funny sequel jokes. Once it gets rolling, the caper is amusing and never drags, with musical numbers staged at the Siberian gulag providing the best comic moments.

As we've come to expect, Muppets Most Wanted is littered with cameos from celebs and pseudo-celebs, and I shan't name them lest I spoil it for those who want to be surprised. Since I imagine everyone knows who stars in the movie, I can say that Gervais, Tina Fey, and Ty Burrell are in top form, though I find it a little offensive that they enjoy billing over the folks who provide Muppet voices--the movie's real stars. If I have one complaint that isn't really a complaint, it's that a little too much of Muppets Most Wanted may be aimed over the heads of the young target audience; it's undoubtedly a "kids' movie," but I think the adults might actually enjoy it more.

Muppets Most Wanted runs 112 minutes and is rated PG for "some mild action."
Like its predecessors, Muppets Most Wanted is a terrific family film full of music, laughs, and thoroughly entertaining cameos.

Of a possible nine Weasleys, Muppets Most Wanted gets seven and a half.

Closing yesterday's docket was the young adult thriller Divergent.

Survivors of an apocalyptic event are divided into factions, based on their personality types. When a young girl discovers she's a Divergent--one of those who fit with no one type and who are considered a threat to the new world order--she struggles for survival within the faction she's chosen.

Dear Blog, I'm nothing if not painfully honest, so if I'm going to criticize something, I'm also going to admit when that criticism might just be due to the fact that said "something" isn't made with me in mind. Not saying it's impossible for someone outside the target audience to enjoy a movie (see: Muppets Most Wanted, above), but being almost 48 years old, I enjoyed Grudge Match a helluva lot more than I enjoyed Divergent, which may not be entirely Divergent's fault. Then again...

We'll get the obvious out of the way first: clearing the two-hour threshold by a good 20 minutes, Divergent is too damn long and easily could have been trimmed by 30 minutes without losing anything of consequence. Making the obligatory comparisons: the story is neither as good as The Hunger Games nor as painfully bad as Twilight. Shailene Woodley is no Jennifer Lawrence, either.

The supporting cast boasts some notable names--Ashley Judd, Kate Winslet, Mekhi Phifer, Maggie Q, and the always magnificent Ray Stevenson--but they seem to have neither the opportunity nor the inclination to distinguish the movie from the current glut of ho-hum young adult fiction. Divergent features broadly-drawn characters and insipid dialogue by the bucketful, and mistakes peripheral character deaths for heartbreaking plot twists.

By now, dear reader(s), you may be asking, "So why did you bother seeing this, anyway?" That question I can answer in two words: Theo James. Yep, I've been nursing a scorching crush ever since he had fatal sex with Lady Mary Crawley in the first season of Downton Abbey and I had to overturn heaven and earth to find out who he was. I hoped he'd be a big deal someday, and, if I wished it'd be in something better than this, well, he's young yet, eh? Divergent doesn't place any particular strain on his acting skills, but I can confidently say I would have been kinda bored with someone I liked less in the male lead. As it stands, James has enough screentime to make Divergent more than worth the price of admission.

Divergent clocks in at a bloated 139 minutes and is rated PG13 for "intense violence and action, thematic elements, and some sensuality."

A so-so movie that would have benefitted greatly from a shorter runtime, Divergent may have teens hanging on its every minute, but the rest of us are bound to find it considerably less thrilling.

Of a possible nine Weasleys, Divergent gets four and a half.

Until next time...

Oh, don't pretend like YOU wouldn't sit through a so-so movie for this!