CINDY PRASCIK·SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2019·2 MINUTES As anyone with even a passing familiarity with me or my writing or my Instagram will know: I have a real soft spot for Academy Award winner Gary Oldman. (Yes, you have to say it like that now.) When Gary is in a movie or show, I see it. If I can, I own it. I own a Gary movie that's in Japanese, one where he plays a guy who puts Chapstick on his butt, and one that Gary, himself, has called "the worst movie ever made." (Those are Rain Fall, Nobody's Baby, and Sin, respectively, if you didn't know and were interested.) Today I am a little bit horrified to report on a movie that will be right at home with lemons like Tiptoes, the Backwoods, and that revisionist version of the Scarlet Letter that co-starred Demi Moore. Friends, I give you: Mary.
Spoiler level here will be mild, nothing you wouldn't know from a trailer if you've seen one. Odds are you haven't.
In hopes of rebooting his life and his marriage, a man buys a boat and takes his family out to sea...but little does he know of the vessel's cursed history! (DUM DUM DUM!) Mary is one of those movies that makes you think everyone involved should sack their agents posthaste. While it's Gary's name above the title, co-stars Emily Mortimer and Manuel Garcia-Rulfo are no slouches. They all deserve better than this thrill-less thriller that ticks every predictable box in the cheap horror movie lexicon. Startle-scares are so obvious they won't raise even a little jump. A paper-thin backstory has been done to death a thousand times before. The dialogue is simply excruciating. I try mightily to say something nice about everything, but the only nice thing I can say about Mary is that it's mercifully short.
Mary clocks in at 84 minutes and is rated R for "some terror, violence, and language."
Mary is available now on most streaming/download platforms.
Mary is a by-the-numbers thriller that'll make Gary Oldman fans pine for the genius of that 1998 Lost in Space movie.
Of a possible nine Weasleys, Mary gets one (for Gary). Until next time...
