Dearest Blog, with no Hobbit and nary a single decent-looking new
release, there was really nothing to draw me to the cinema this weekend
aside from the fact that I couldn't imagine sitting out two weekends in a
row. Since I also lacked the wherewithal to sit through two stinkers in
a row, I paired one of the weekend newbies with my sadly-neglected
Paddington.
Spoiler level here will be mild, nothing you wouldn't know from the trailers.
First on my agenda, the comically horrible Jupiter Ascending.
Mila Kunis stars as a seemingly-normal Earthling whose life is endangered when she discovers she's universal royalty.
Dear
reader(s), I shan't insult your intelligence by trying to tell you
Jupiter Ascending isn't a mess; in fact, it is the cinema equivalent of
your family room after the Super Bowl party, the Mall on Black Friday,
Morgantown after a big game. I spent a good portion of the movie trying
to determine whether the acting is literally the worst in history, or if
the dialogue is just so poorly written there was nothing the actors
could do with it.
Come next week he'll likely be an Oscar winner, but
Eddie Redmayne is an embarrassment, a strangely-sweaty version of Gary
Oldman's most over-the-top mid-90s baddie. I adore Sean Bean and Mila
Kunis, but I hope they both fired their agents for getting them into
this! Curious that a guylinered Channing Tatum, hardly the most
respected name among the cast, was pretty much the only one who didn't
make me cringe.
The story is a jumbled disaster that sometimes drags
worse than the slowest David Cronenberg slog. A chase scene at the
beginning is so long and repetitive that I fell asleep twice and woke up
while it was still going. Having said all that, Jupiter Ascending is
still oddly entertaining at times.
The sets and effects aren't anything
special, but they are often very pretty, as are some of the costumes.
There are plenty of funny moments--intentional and not--and (at risk of
sounding girly) Kunis and Tatum make an adorable couple; it's not hard
to root for them.
Jupiter Ascending clocks in at 127 minutes and
is rated PG13 for "some violence, sequences of sci-fi action, some
suggestive content, and partial nudity."
Bad as it is, I didn't
hate it. How's that for backhanded praise? Of a possible nine Weasleys,
Jupiter Ascending gets four and a half.
Next up was Paddington.
A young bear from "darkest Peru" comes to London looking for a home.
I
admit, for a movie about which I'd been pretty excited, I've been
shamefully neglectful of Paddington.
Its schedule never seemed to work
with other movies I wanted to see, and, after a couple weeks, I'd sort
of resigned myself to waiting for DVD. I am so glad I didn't! My first
thought upon seeing a Paddington trailer was, "Please don't mess this
up." When Colin Firth jumped ship (to be replaced by my beloved Ben
Whishaw) and the US release was pushed from a perfect holiday date to
mid-January No Man's Land, I couldn't help but expect the worst. I am
pleased to report that, whatever the reasons for those bumps in the
road, Paddington is a pretty perfect movie.
The story is sweet, but
never sugarey. The cast is top-notch, and Whishaw couldn't be more
perfect as the voice of our beloved bear. There are many great laughs,
for kids and adults alike, with enough action to keep things moving
along at a good clip.
Finally, the movie manages to bring home an
important message without beating viewers over the head with it.
Paddington runs 95 minutes and is rated PG for "mild action and rude humor."
Paddington
is perfect for folks of any age, a genuinely terrific afternoon at the
movies.
Of a possible nine Weasleys, Paddington gets eight.
Until next time...
Well, there's always this...
