Dearest Blog: Yesterday it was off to Marquee Cinemas for the laughable double-bill of Gods of Egypt and London Has Fallen, or, as I like to call it, The Unintentional Gerard Butler Film Festival.
Spoiler level here will be mild, nothing you wouldn't know or have guessed from the trailers. First on my agenda, Gods of Egypt. Exiled god Horus reluctantly teams with a mortal to reclaim his crown and save Egypt.
Dear Reader(s), I'ma be straight with ya: if I could just post that little emoji that's laughing so hard it’s crying, that'd the most accurate review of Gods of Egypt you'd find anywhere. Since I call myself a movie blogger, though, I'd better try a bit harder. Much has been made of Egypt's casting white faces in roles clearly meant for people of color. But wait...the ridiculousness hardly ends there! This picture boasts some of the most laughably bad dialogue I've ever heard.
EVER. The costumes range from elementary-school pageant to pole dancer. (One thing gods and mortals apparently have in common: a great rack!) While the movie has some nifty effects, it's also got some of the worst green-screen work you'll ever see outside an episode of Once Upon a Time. There's a veritable grab-bag of accents, and that's not even accounting for anyone besides Gerard Butler! In fact, the acting is across-the-board so hilariously terrible that even the mighty trio of Rufus Sewell, Geoffrey Rush, and Chadwick Boseman can't combine for one decent performance. Now, having said all that...I found Gods of Egypt to be a great laugh. It's so bad that I can't believe it's anything other than willfully so, a B-movie that somehow scored itself an A-list budget.
Oh, and, for the record, the movie was written by Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless, whose previous credits include Dracula Untold and The Last Witch Hunter, so...yeah...if you're wanting your picture to be taken seriously, maybe don't hire those two, m-kay? Gods of Egypt clocks in at an excessive 127 minutes and is rated PG13 for "fantasy violence and action, and some sexuality."
If you're looking for a good laugh at Hollywood's expense, it doesn't get funnier than this.
Of a possible nine Weasleys,
Gods of Egypt gets four.
Next on the docket, the sequel London Has Fallen. When the American President (Aaron Eckhart) again finds himself in peril, it's Secret Service agent Mike Bannon (Gerard Butler) to the rescue. London Has Fallen is essentially just an excuse to combine massive chaos and destruction with a healthy dose of "'Murica!"
The plot is paper thin, as world leaders pay the price for civilian casualties of an earlier strike against terrorism. You don't need to guess which world leader gets out alive, thanks to his ballsy protective detail, who also happens to be devastatingly handsome and quite the comic to boot...oh, Hollywood! Though a sequel to 2013's Olympus Has Fallen probably wasn't strictly necessary, this second installment doesn't overstay its welcome, and it's a decently good time if you enjoy a couple hours of watching stuff blow up around a pair of pretty good-looking guys.
Some great talent--Morgan Freeman, Jackie Earle Haley, Melissa Leo--is wasted here, turning up for basically a cup of coffee and a paycheck, but the movie's certainly no worse for having names like that among its cast.
As cinema escapism goes, you could do a lot worse (although the guy behind me who snored loudly for the duration might say different). London Has Fallen runs a quick 99 minutes and is rated R for "strong violence and language throughout."
While you won't need to remember its name long-term for this year's awards season, in the short term, London Has Fallen provides a healthy dose of brain candy.
Of a possible nine Weasleys, London Has Fallen gets five.
Until next time...