Cindy Prascik's Review of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Dearest Blog: Yesterday (and the day before), it was off to Marquee Cinemas for the latest installment in Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, Dead Men Tell No Tales.

 

Spoiler level here will be mild, nothing of consequence that hasn't been revealed already by trailers and advertising.

 

Further misadventures ensue when Captain Jack Sparrow is enlisted for another magical mission.

 

Dear reader(s), so we're clear from the outset: The POTC franchise is my Bond, my Star Wars, my Avengers...all rolled into one. It's where Jack's compass would point if I held it in my hands. Any review is no more than one person's opinion, but my opinion of a POTC movie will never stray too far from a heart-eyes emoji and a bunch of exclamation points.

 

You may have heard that Dead Men Tell No Tales harkens back to the original POTC, the Curse of the Black Pearl, and in many ways this is true. Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites) and Carina Smith (Kaya Scodelario) are a poor man's Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann on a parental quest; Thwaites even looks like a young Orlando Bloom at times. As a devoted fan of Johnny Depp, lately I've wished he'd steer clear of the "quirky guy in a funny hat" roles, but I'm powerless to resist Captain Jack. He lights up the screen like no one else can, and, if he can never duplicate that element of surprise that came with the first outing, it's clear he is an icon, still much loved by movie-goers...much like the POTC films themselves. Javier Bardem's Captain Salazar is the stuff of nightmares, and his ghost crew represents some of the most interesting CGI I've seen in many a moon, tops in a picture that's filled with plenty of huge, masterful effects. (Two words: ghost sharks.) Dead Men Tell No Tales continues the franchise's history of hilariously clever action sequences (another brush with the executioner is a highlight), and the movie keeps its secrets well enough for some nice reveals. Geoff Zanelli gets credit for POTC5's rousing score, though it features plenty of callbacks to Klaus Badelt's stunning Curse of the Black Pearl soundtrack, and one very special Will Turner cue from Hans Zimmer's work on At World's End. Fans of the franchise will be delighted to see such familiar old faces as Mr. Gibbs (Kevin McNally), Marty (Martin Klebba), Murtogg (Giles New), Mullroy (Agnes Barnett), and of course Captain Barbossa (the brilliant Geoffrey Rush). At this writing, I've seen POTC5 twice in 2D and once in 3D, and the only appreciable benefit to the 3D is that it lightens up some too-dark scenes; otherwise it’s not worth the upcharge and glasses headache. The movie is exciting enough that it doesn't seem overlong, but it does slow down juuuuust enough in the middle that a little trim might have been to its benefit. Finally, though this installment has been billed as "the final adventure," it clearly means "final adventure" in the same way the Rolling Stones mean "farewell tour." Dead Men Tell No Tales doesn't just leave a door open for more POTC movies; a great post-credits scene practically promises them.

 

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales runs 129 minutes and is rated PG13 for "sequences of adventure violence and some suggestive content."

 

POTC5 is is a rollicking adventure filled with fun characters, terrific effects, and plenty of laugh-out-loud humor, perfect for the first holiday weekend of summer blockbuster season. 

 

Of a possible nine Weasleys, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales gets all nine.

 

Fangirl points: All of it really, but how about those Middle Earth connections, David Wenham (Faramir) and Adam Brown (Ori), and of course...Sir Paul McCartney!!

 

Until next time...

MOVIE REVIEW: ALIEN: COVENANT

Bound for a remote planet on the far side of the galaxy, members (Katherine Waterston, Billy Crudup) of the colony ship Covenant discover what they think to be an uncharted paradise. While there, they meet David (Michael Fassbender), the synthetic survivor of the doomed Prometheus expedition. The mysterious world soon turns dark and dangerous when a hostile alien life-form forces the crew into a deadly fight for survival.

Director: Ridley Scott

Cast: Michael Fassbender, Katherine Waterston, Billy Crudup, Danny McBride, Demián Bichir

Release Date: May 19, 2017

Rated R for sci-fi violence, bloody images, language and some sexuality/nudity

Runtime: 2 hr. 2 min.

Genres: Action, Adventure, Drama

Review:

Alien: Covenant is best described as Ridley Scott plays all the hits.  On Prometheus, Scott tried for some headier sci-fi, even if the human decision weren’t, but fans complained about its lack of outright Alien connections.  Publicly, Scott’s been on record as saying he’s heard these complaints and delivered Alien: Covenant.  Fans of the series will find plenty of call back to the original film all the while Scott continues threads from Prometheus.   The film itself looks beautiful, even if the scares never really come since the beats are so familiar.  Katherine Waterston is primed to be the heroine in this entry but she’s never magnetic enough to completely captivate your attention.  Michael Fassbender more than makes up for the slack while playing duel roles.  Fassbender is clearly having a ball throughout and its audience benefit as he’s the most interesting thing on screen during the entire film.  The supporting cast is made up of familiar faces but their clearly just cattle being lead to the slaughter with only Danny McBride leaving an actual impression.  Alien: Covenant is a solid entry into the prequel series that sure to leave plenty of fans happy while others will complain about certain story decision. 

B

Cindy Prascik's Review of Alien: Covenant

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dearest Blog: Yesterday it was off to Marquee Cinemas for the latest installment in the Alien franchise, Alien: Covenant.

 

Spoiler level here will be mild, nothing you wouldn't know from the trailers.

 

Alien life forms are sometimes very dangerous. Who'da guessed??

 

Dear reader(s), in the interest of full and fair disclosure, I'll confide that I don't like the Alien movies...ANY of them. I keep giving them chances because people who like the things that I do seem to love and even revere at least some of them but...welp...let's just say this latest installment finally may have cured me of my need to figure out what I'm missing.

 

If I heeded that old adage, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," this review would be a blank page; however, since I paid the cost of admission expressly for the privilege of writing about the movie, I shall briefly disregard that sage advice to tell you Alien: Covenant sucks so hard. I might say it was worse than Prometheus, except I didn't fall asleep in this one. Maybe I just wasn't tired yesterday, but I'm gonna be generous and concede that point. Katherine Waterston is terrible, all teary eyes and quavering voice; in fact, for a team of scientists and explorers, the minute something goes a little sideways these people lose their s**t faster than the slutty girl in those teen horror flicks. Many of the choices they make are about as stupid, too. Cardinal rules: When in doubt, don't split up and don't have sex. Pretty simple, right? This crew is so dumb it's hard to invest in any of them...more fun to try guessing in what order they'll (deservedly) be picked off. The writing is so predictable I was finishing lines in my head like a movie I'd seen a hundred times. Covenant features some lovely locations and decent effects, but the "horror" is limited to gore and cheap jump scares that you'll see coming a mile out. There's a minor, but weird and unnecessary, reference to a character thinking he's considered untrustworthy for being "a person of faith." That probably got under my skin more than it should have, but it stuck out as one of the most offensively pointless spots on an almost-entirely pointless movie landscape.

 

Alien: Covenant clocks in at 122 minutes and is rated R for "sci-fi violence, bloody images, language, and some sexuality/nudity."

 

With a top-notch cast, mammoth effects, and spectacular sets, it's clear the makers of Alien: Covenant weren't shy about throwing money at the screen; however, in the immortal words of Butthead: "You can't polish a turd, Beavis." Or, as the lady behind me stage-whispered about the halfway point: "This movie stinks." Of a possible nine Weasleys, Alien: Covenant gets one.

 

Fangirl points: Billy Crudup! Country Roads! Dariusz Wolski!

 

Until next time...

MOVIE REVIEW: KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD

Robbed of his birthright, Arthur comes up the hard way in the back alleys of the city. But once he pulls the sword from the stone, he is forced to acknowledge his true legacy - whether he likes it or not. 

Director: Guy Ritchie

Cast: Charlie Hunnam, Jude Law, Astrid Bergès-Frisbey, Djimon Hounsou, Eric Bana        

Release Date: May 12, 2017

Rated PG-13 for sequences of violence and action, some suggestive content and brief strong language

Runtime: 2 hr. 6 min.

Genres: Action, Adventure, Drama

Review:

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword isn’t a terrible movie by any stretch of the imagination.  That’s not to say there aren’t plenty of missteps made throughout.  It’ll take you a few minutes to figure out that Guy Ritchie isn’t out to replicate John Boorman’s classic Excalibur.  Ritchie delivers a fantasy movie that’s lifted some of the names from the Arthurian legends and uses them solely for name recognition.  They’re very little that feels familiar to anyone who has more than a passing knowledge of the story.  Thankfully there are inspired moments to be had throughout even if they are never consistent enough to make for a strong film.  Ritchie can’t seem to decide if he wants to make a full on fantasy film or a more gritty on the ground take.  It makes for a jarring viewing experience since some of the great moments from the cast are immediately followed by some frantic overly CGI’ed action sequences.  These sequences detract from the overall enjoyment because the film doesn’t let its strong cast shine.  As such, most of the actors are lost in the overall scheme of things creating a film that feels long and rushed at the same time.  It’s a real shame Guy Ritchie couldn’t choose a lane because there’s bit and pieces in the film that shine and could have made up a better film.

C